Today is a bittersweet day: it’s my mom’s birthday.<\/p>\n
She would have been 74 today, but she passed away on September 26, 2011. \u00a0And I miss her terribly. \u00a0The feeling of knowing you will never be able to reach out and talk to or touch someone you love is pretty rough; it can feel like being stabbed in the heart sometimes. \u00a0I know I can reach out to her in my mind, or talk to her out loud, but it’s definitely not the same thing.<\/p>\n
Now our relationship was not perfect or harmonious. \u00a0We fought, A LOT, and I was not a good daughter. \u00a0I did not reach out and keep in touch like I should have. \u00a0And then it was too late. \u00a0The guilt can be overwhelming. \u00a0It is probably one of my biggest regrets, one I cannot fix. \u00a0I remember the last time I saw her, and I wanted to believe she would get better (she had cancer). \u00a0I remember her giving me instructions on what needed to be done and what I didn’t have to do. \u00a0I remember telling her I didn’t want to hear it because I didn’t need to; she would be ok. \u00a0I remember getting the call from my dad 2 weeks after I left that she had passed away.<\/p>\n
I am glad she didn’t suffer long. \u00a0She went into the hospital on August 14th (their 40th wedding anniversary) because she couldn’t keep food down. \u00a0I did not get a call until September from the hospital; I had no idea for weeks. \u00a0I was so scared when I went to visit her because I hadn’t seen her in awhile and I didn’t want to see her emaciated with illness, but she looked fine. \u00a0A bit older, but not sick. \u00a0My mom being my mom, she’d called the police on the hospital for keeping her there. \u00a0Multiple times I think. She’d lost track of time. \u00a0She didn’t know where she was. \u00a0When scared, she’d strike back.<\/p>\n
My brother Darin and I had gotten into a huge fight when I was home. \u00a0See he’d skipped town awhile back doing who knows what. \u00a0And all of a sudden he shows up on their doorstep. \u00a0Of course they took him in. \u00a0While there, he stayed in my old room, and I was in my youngest brother’s room, right next to each other. \u00a0One day Darin just starts yelling at me for going into his room. \u00a0I flipped my shit and we yelled at each other for a good hour. \u00a0I spewed horrible things, none of which I regret, then or now. \u00a0Turns out he ended up being more of a rock than I would have expected, but it was too late for us. \u00a0I went home after a week. \u00a0And then mom was gone.<\/p>\n
I had some unexpected friends then. \u00a0Something that still surprises me when I think of it. \u00a0And I now understood what it was like to lose a parent. \u00a0Until you lose a loved one, you never truly understand what that feels like. \u00a0You can imagine it, and think you know, but it’s nowhere near that, because there’s a lot of emotions and unexpected reactions and pain that comes in varying degrees. \u00a0And of course there is also the memories, and the fondness, and smiles. \u00a0Your have been scarred, and your perception of things changes. You slow down a bit, and there is awareness of how precious life is. \u00a0It gets lost sometimes when you are caught up in everyday life, but it never leaves you completely. You are reminded at random and at expected times. \u00a0You move on and create your own life without your loved one. \u00a0This is what we do.<\/p>\n
I miss you, mom.<\/p>\n
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